Can I get more toothbrushes? We have a lot of cousins.

Tonight my mama and I are going to a bridal shower at my church honoring pretty much the sweetest, most adorable person I know (apart from my grandmothers). She is wonderful and everybody loves her, as evidenced by the fact that the invitation to the shower has twelve names listed below "Hosted by:". Twelve! That's how many people were in my entire wedding party, including me and Mike. And this shower is just the one for her church friends! She'll probably have a work shower and a girlfriends shower that are each hosted by just as many people. She is THAT special. She really is. I don't want to talk too much about her, because it's not my story to tell, but nobody is more deserving of all the love and happiness in the world than she is, and I am so so excited. My excitement is compounded by the fact that we go to a Baptist church, and the shower is from 6:30 to 8:30. And you know what that means. Hangover!

Oh, I'm kidding. There aren't even enough of those wee plastic communion cups to get a child drunk. I don't think grape juice has a very high alcohol content anyway. But I'm going to pay attention to all the reactions from all the presents and see what everyone thinks is the best so we can try to establish a Customary Wedding Gift. Is there something you usually get people? It's tiring having to go through a registry every time, seeing what's left and making sure it doesn't cost more than what they gave us. For this shower, we did a recipe album and measuring cups and spoons and some dish towels and an oven mitt. We got the measuring cups (and spoons) at Kohl's, and now they're all I can think about. They include the weird sizes you don't usually get, AND the measuring cups come with an egg separator! I am envisioning terrible things accidentally happening to my plain old four red measuring cups.

Then in September is the wedding! And, we have a lots of birthdays. Our friend Johnny, our friend Meredith, my mama, Mike's sister Lori, Granny, and our friend Rich. And I'm sure I'm forgetting someone. Plus Mike and I have evidently gone crazy with the acidic and sugary foods since we shacked up together, because we walked away from the dentist earlier this month with a combined 6 cavities. Basically, we are fixing to be horrendously cash poor. For the rest of our lives. Nobody tells you that when you get married, your birthday budget is going to have to expand. Or more accurately, once your friends get married, your birthday presents from them are going to get a lot crappier. And forget Christmas. Just forget it. Hope you have fun fighting over who gets the mint-waxed dental floss and who gets the sensitivity toothpaste.

It's practically illegal to disclose all of this at no charge.

Okay, I noticed some things in San Francisco that we need to talk about. Join me in a discussion of what I believe to be the current and coming trends in fashion for young women.

Let's quickly go over what 'trendy' looks like in South Carolina. It's basically a razored emo haircut and a silly t-shirt or maybe some tights underneath a pair of cutoff jean shorts. We don't get too wild with our fashion. I've never seen or known anyone here to wear something crazy and weird that nobody else was wearing, to discover in six months that it's what everybody is wearing. We just don't set many trends. After they've been in place for half a season, at least three famous people have worn them, and we feel sure we won't look like fools, then we may cautiously adopt them. So, ladies, if you're looking to stand out in South Carolina, you've come to the right place. Here's what you do.

First of all, I hope you haven't cleaned out your closet in 20 years, because guess what's making a comeback? These are. Not new, updated, funky ones either. Plain white and plain black canvas ones. I saw them EVERYWHERE in San Francisco. When I spotted the first pair, I chuckled to myself, thinking that poor girl is laughably behind the times with her footwear. I should offer her my overalls and velour patterned scrunchie. But y'all. I saw more plain black Keds than I could count. I can hardly believe it. These shoes are practical, comfortable, and they've been around forever. Three things I happen to know most young girls do not consider to be positive qualities when shopping. And do you know what I saw nary a single one of? It brings me no small amount of joy to tell you that it was Crocs.

Next up, harem pants. Got your Princess Jasmine halloween costume from ten years ago? Those pants ought to fit just right. Basically you want them to be nice and baggy and totally unflattering, with a fitted cuff that falls a few inches past your knee. Or, if you want a European-inspired look, and I wish I were kidding, something more like these. Twice I saw women holding up the ...harem part of their pants to keep from stepping all over it or dragging it through the rain. They were tumbling and freewheeling all right, but I don't think that's what Jasmine and Aladdin had in mind when they sang A Whole New World.

Third, you need either to eliminate from your wardrobe any jean that is not a skinny jean (unless you manage to find a denim harem pant, which I have no doubt exists), or you need to peg those jeans, a la the 80s, Katie Holmes, and your J. Crew catalog. Now I have no qualms with the skinny jean, but there's a time and a place. And as for the peg? If you can just tell me how it's flattering, I might come around. J. Crew has some ideas about pairing a frilly silk blouse, pearls, and heels with a light-wash pegged jean, and all I see is a woman who gave up from the waist down and balled up her husband's jeans so she wouldn't fray the ends with her 3-inch heels. I'm afraid these trends are a byproduct of people just not knowing where to go next in trouser fashions. It doesn't bode well for Fall 2015.

This next trend was evident in Charleston, SC as well, but decidedly more pronounced and quirky in San Francisco. It's simple, so long as you don't ever have to bend over. Just put on a solid-colored tank top (to truly recreate the trend, I regret to inform you, you'll need to ditch the bra) and a skirt. Bonus trendiness if it has a strange and dizzying pattern. Yank up your skirt so high that it covers up 75-100% of your ribcage and only a fraction of the tank top is exposed. You can then add a skinny metallic belt or a big fat tacky belt, pretty much anywhere. Top of skirt, middle of skirt, around your knees. Whatever.

Lastly, you're going to need some lipstick. Color is irrelevant, so long as everybody can immediately tell that you're wearing some.

I'm sorry I don't have more top-related fashion tidbits to share, but shirts in San Francisco are pretty much the same as they are wherever you live. That, or I was so distracted by everyone's legs and lips that I didn't pay any attention to the rest of them.

So that about does it, save for a quick disclaimer. I make no promises that people will find you trendy. If you elect to sport one or more of these trends, you're doing so of your own volition and at your own risk, and if you receive comments and/or requests to let others take your picture or study at your school of snazzy fashion looks, I will accept neither credit nor blame. Unless there is cash or fame involved.

But I do love the Allison Janney starfish

I'm sitting in the hotel room waiting for Mike to come back from a social function at an art museum. And I'm watching a show about these young girls who can see spirits and auras and communicate with ghosts and know when people are going to die. And that kind of stuff scares the crap out of me. I hate scary things. Once I see or hear something scary, I remember it when I'm going to the bathroom in the dark, or walking past a window at night, or when I'm home by myself. Sometimes after we watch Monk and Psych I make Mike stand right outside the bathroom door and talk to me the whole time I'm in there. And I haaaate when tv shows have special scary Halloween episodes. I don't want to be scared! But here I am, watching 9 year old girls talk about Freddie the spirit tapping on the window or that little boy Jacob who wants to play every time she goes to bed.

And do you know why I changed the channel to the ghost girls show? Because Finding Nemo is on and I can't stand the part at the beginning where everybody dies and Nemo's the only survivor and he has a gimpy fin. The only thing worse than scary stuff is sad stuff. That Nemo breaks my heart with his little fin working and flapping twice as hard as the normal-sized one. Wouldn't kids like a movie where some fish just swim around and eat snacks and nothing bad happens to anybody?

When Mike gets back, we are going out in search of dinner. So far we haven't had the best dining experiences. Nothing has been bad, but it's nothing we couldn't have at home, which I find disappointing. Maybe people in California just eat the same things for dinner that we do in South Carolina. Though from the number of girls I've seen in skinny jeans with wasitbands that I couldn't even fit one leg into, something tells me our diets can't have THAT much in common. Mike even found a Mexican restaurant online, and I was really excited about that, but it turns out they don't give you free chips and salsa! Talk about scary.

All right, I'm going to switch back to Nemo and try to avert my eyes whenever they show Nemo. Which, if you haven't seen the film, should make me some more dizzy, because (not to spoil it for you) that fishie is a critical part of the storyline.

Just a quick update. Cause I'm going to fall asleep.

Well we made it! The flights were fine, except the descent into Houston made my left ear hurt like a mother. Does this happen to anyone else? And then Mike and I both got stuck in middle seats on the flight from Houston to San Francisco. That was fun. But the best part of the journey was definitely the time I was exposed to a mystery allergen. We may never know what it was, but we can be sure that my skin DOES NOT WANT IT NEAR, OH HELP, IT ITCHES SO BAD. So last night, rather than go out in search of dinner or other entertainment, we stayed in the hotel and used up a tube of hydrocortisone and a sleeve of Benadryl capsules. My poor husband. I cried like a baby. I was so miserable and I kept insisting that it would never get better and we need to go home right now. I'd like to think it was the Benadryl talking, but I've displayed the same winning cool-headedness on too many other occasions for Mike to write it off as drug-induced hysteria. I'm just a big wimp who can't stand being itchy. My options are a) itch, or b) take Benadryl and feel drowsy all day. So I'm not scratching myself silly, but it is a bit of a challenge staying awake.

On the plus side, the weather here is amazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Do they say dude in California?

Most days, this job bums me out. I wake up at 6:20 to get here in time which means I go to bed by 10 most nights. That makes me feel stressed and rushed every evening when I get home. Only 4 hours to cram in everything. Hurry and relax! Then when I am here, I frequently say fewer than 20 words the entire day. The way we divide up duties means we all keep to ourselves and work individually on our own projects, then report to the boss individually. I don't generally interact with anybody for longer than it takes to answer the phone or say good morning when somebody passes by on their way to the printer. We have meetings every Monday morning to update each other on projects, and once a month or so I go to lunch with a few people from the office, but mostly it's pretty lonely. I don't know what I expected, and I don't know that we'd all be able to get our work done any other way, but it's kind of sad. Do you feel like that ever? I don't know. I kind of feel like I'm wasting my life away doing something that doesn't really even matter, and that is a scary feeling.

But, for the time being, I'm going to stop stressing about wasting my life, and I'm going to go to San Francisco! Well. In the morning. But my sister is staying at my house so don't bother trying to rob us, bad guys! Or if you do, please only take the couch. I hate that thing.

See you dudes later.