It's practically illegal to disclose all of this at no charge.

Okay, I noticed some things in San Francisco that we need to talk about. Join me in a discussion of what I believe to be the current and coming trends in fashion for young women.

Let's quickly go over what 'trendy' looks like in South Carolina. It's basically a razored emo haircut and a silly t-shirt or maybe some tights underneath a pair of cutoff jean shorts. We don't get too wild with our fashion. I've never seen or known anyone here to wear something crazy and weird that nobody else was wearing, to discover in six months that it's what everybody is wearing. We just don't set many trends. After they've been in place for half a season, at least three famous people have worn them, and we feel sure we won't look like fools, then we may cautiously adopt them. So, ladies, if you're looking to stand out in South Carolina, you've come to the right place. Here's what you do.

First of all, I hope you haven't cleaned out your closet in 20 years, because guess what's making a comeback? These are. Not new, updated, funky ones either. Plain white and plain black canvas ones. I saw them EVERYWHERE in San Francisco. When I spotted the first pair, I chuckled to myself, thinking that poor girl is laughably behind the times with her footwear. I should offer her my overalls and velour patterned scrunchie. But y'all. I saw more plain black Keds than I could count. I can hardly believe it. These shoes are practical, comfortable, and they've been around forever. Three things I happen to know most young girls do not consider to be positive qualities when shopping. And do you know what I saw nary a single one of? It brings me no small amount of joy to tell you that it was Crocs.

Next up, harem pants. Got your Princess Jasmine halloween costume from ten years ago? Those pants ought to fit just right. Basically you want them to be nice and baggy and totally unflattering, with a fitted cuff that falls a few inches past your knee. Or, if you want a European-inspired look, and I wish I were kidding, something more like these. Twice I saw women holding up the ...harem part of their pants to keep from stepping all over it or dragging it through the rain. They were tumbling and freewheeling all right, but I don't think that's what Jasmine and Aladdin had in mind when they sang A Whole New World.

Third, you need either to eliminate from your wardrobe any jean that is not a skinny jean (unless you manage to find a denim harem pant, which I have no doubt exists), or you need to peg those jeans, a la the 80s, Katie Holmes, and your J. Crew catalog. Now I have no qualms with the skinny jean, but there's a time and a place. And as for the peg? If you can just tell me how it's flattering, I might come around. J. Crew has some ideas about pairing a frilly silk blouse, pearls, and heels with a light-wash pegged jean, and all I see is a woman who gave up from the waist down and balled up her husband's jeans so she wouldn't fray the ends with her 3-inch heels. I'm afraid these trends are a byproduct of people just not knowing where to go next in trouser fashions. It doesn't bode well for Fall 2015.

This next trend was evident in Charleston, SC as well, but decidedly more pronounced and quirky in San Francisco. It's simple, so long as you don't ever have to bend over. Just put on a solid-colored tank top (to truly recreate the trend, I regret to inform you, you'll need to ditch the bra) and a skirt. Bonus trendiness if it has a strange and dizzying pattern. Yank up your skirt so high that it covers up 75-100% of your ribcage and only a fraction of the tank top is exposed. You can then add a skinny metallic belt or a big fat tacky belt, pretty much anywhere. Top of skirt, middle of skirt, around your knees. Whatever.

Lastly, you're going to need some lipstick. Color is irrelevant, so long as everybody can immediately tell that you're wearing some.

I'm sorry I don't have more top-related fashion tidbits to share, but shirts in San Francisco are pretty much the same as they are wherever you live. That, or I was so distracted by everyone's legs and lips that I didn't pay any attention to the rest of them.

So that about does it, save for a quick disclaimer. I make no promises that people will find you trendy. If you elect to sport one or more of these trends, you're doing so of your own volition and at your own risk, and if you receive comments and/or requests to let others take your picture or study at your school of snazzy fashion looks, I will accept neither credit nor blame. Unless there is cash or fame involved.